Thursday, January 26, 2006
nothing_but_coke 2:54 PM

Thank you Barbara for this handy guide, just in time for the weekend!

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
CAUSE: Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

SYMTOM: Feet warm and wet
CAUSE:Improper Bladder Control
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

SYMTOM:Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE: a. Glass empty. OR b. You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE: You have fallen forward
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See above

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE: a. Mouth not open OR b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

SYMPTOM: Floor Blurred
CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM: Floor moving
CAUSE: You are being carried out
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE: Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE: You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear
CAUSE: It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Punch him

SYMPTOM: People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE: You're in the ladies' room
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE: You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See if they have free beer

SYMPTOM: Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE: a. You're in jail OR b. You're in the navy
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

SYMPTOM: You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
CAUSE: You're in a gay bar
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for back rubs

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE: The beer is too weak
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song
CAUSE: Beer is just right
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Play air guitar

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shelli. 39 and holding, wife, and mother of two. loves country music and going to concerts with friends, we have more fun than should be allowed by law. born in Texas and always has the radio on.

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